seven significant purchases

  1. In 1989, in a small-town mall, a middle-aged, middle-eastern man approaches a bookstore. He pauses in the entryway, takes a deep breath, and removes a bill from his pocket. He straightens his jacket and his spine. Then he walks directly to the counter, with great purpose, with the bill held forward, and says: “One Satanic Verses, please.” The woman he’s just cut in front of recognizes a Significant Purchase when she sees one; she steps back and watches.
  2. In 1994, in northern Michigan, in a grocery store, two teenaged males are looking over a selection of ramen noodles. “Geez,” says one, “I can’t decide what flavor to get.” His companion looks him up and down, appalled: “Spicy chicken, bitch! It’s the bomb.” Something in the way he says it makes his friend look down at his own shoes.
  3. The small-time collegiate drug dealer takes delivery of a shoebox from his supplier. The shoebox is set on the coffee table and opened. It’s supposed to be full of weed. It’s not. It’s full of mushrooms. “Oh god,” says the small-time collegiate drug dealer; “oh god oh god oh man.”
  4. “What do you think?” she says, bumping one hip against the bar — “another?” Her friend shows teeth. “You want another?” The first woman shows teeth. “Are you gonna have one with me?” Both grins keep getting wider and wider until the bartender passes and both women burst out with the same sentence: We want another!
  5. A teenaged boy with a Slavic accent strides into a Manhattan McDonald’s with a twenty-dollar bill held over his head and announces: “Two chickens please!” The staff gather round, debating this, pointing unhelpfully at the menu over their heads. Would he like a McChicken sandwich? “Two chickens please!” They hold their fingers together in small ovals: would he like chicken McNuggets? “Two chickens please?” The staff confers. They offer him two orders of the nuggets, which he examines, happily, before collecting his change and rushing out.
  6. First tampons, first razor, first bra, first condoms, first suit, first pills, first flowers, first restaurant check, first blood test, first gift of jewelry, first joint furniture purchase, first couples therapy session, and of course eventually the last of each, ending with the flowers.
  7. It’s when the musician’s girlfriend storms in, clearly furious, that the store clerks realize what’s just happened. “Did he just come in here and sell a bunch of records?” she asks. Yes, yes he did. “You know he’s just selling everything so he can buy drugs, right?” They do now. The clerks are so, so sorry. You have no idea how sorry. They should have known. They won’t buy from him anymore. Getting the records back? Absolutely — the records are right here — but here’s the thing: they paid him $200 for those records. Oh man are they so sorry but the best they can do is give them back at cost. The woman closes her eyes, shakes her head, and writes a check, buying back some little piece of what the guy is squandering. When they talk about this, later, one clerk will say he disapproved, hated to see someone waste herself cleaning up after a junkie. Another will say he was almost moved; couldn’t imagine doing that for anyone, couldn’t imagine anyone doing it for him. A third will confess that she just ducked below the counter, flipped through the pile, and slipped out two records she was planning on buying herself. Because in her opinion fuck both those two.

Tags: mostly true 186 notes | | Feb 23, 2010
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